套公式學作文，自欺欺人
不如多看多想多分析

請讓汎美助您一臂之力

初學作文，首重單字文法基礎，而後要能發揮想像力，知道細節描寫，日進分寸之功，才有自信在其中。能造句，才能作文。寫不出句子，就無以為文。寫不出像樣的句子，就更不可能寫出像樣的文章。坊間許多許多作文參考書，短文一篇，儘是滿紙荒唐，先不知遣詞輕重，又不求造句長短，只是一昧套死板公式，首段之起，應該如此這般；次段之承，應該這般如此；三段之轉，如此這般當然應該；到末段之合，當然應該這般如此。所以，起首就是As the proverb says,…. It goes without saying…. It is said…. People believe that….，結論必定就是To sum up,….；中間當然少不了On one hand,…. On the other hand,…. First of all,…. In the second place,…. Thirdly,…. What is more,…. As far as I am concerned,…. On the contrary,…. By doing so,…. In addition to….，諸如此類。筆下一文，猶如下廚煮麵，端上桌面之後，滿心期待色香味，加上牛肉一大塊，而不是滿碗芝麻蔥花。

英文作文之道，簡單四字而已：具體而微。所謂具體，就是言之有物；說一是一，說二是二。人事時地物，皆能確實舉例，而交待得清清楚楚。至於而微，就是能寫出細節，寫得進去，又寫得出來。就是主詞要能具體，不要只是你我他之代名詞而已；動詞能有變化，別讓be動詞滿天飛舞。能引用數量觀念，時間觀念，和空間觀念，能引用比喻描寫。賣弄文法結構和生冷單字，自以為理論當道，卻又廢話連篇，最引人厭而難以下嚥。

隨手摘錄下列文例一篇，若為初學之作，看得出十分辛苦用心，非常值得鼓勵；但若視之為教材範例，則千千萬萬不可。但若視之為反面教材，要求學生逐句修改，倒是絕佳範例。初學之際，如同種樹，樹根雖只偏差一寸，樹稍何止歪斜十呎。本文全長4段26句446字，常見於坊間作文參考用書，美其名為投考研究所之「範文」、「佳文」、「考前必背」、「搶分關鍵」等等，其實就是一大碗蔥花麵。如此範文，視同「犯」錯之文；如此佳文，如同戴「枷」起舞，不見曼妙，只見瘀傷。學生若用心研讀，為無心之誤；若以此為教材，誤人子弟之處，讓人千萬遺憾。本「範文」之誤，遂句分析如下：
How to Prepare for This English and American Literature Examination
(如何準備英美文學考試。)

To pursue further advanced knowledge, I determined to take the graduate school examination when I was a sophomore.1 I prepared for this examination by carrying out my reading plans step by step.2 First, I widely read English articles in various re- spects in order to increase reading and writing abilities.3 On one hand, I could expand my vocabulary by looking up English-English dictionaries diligently upon meeting a new word in reading articles.4 On the other hand, I strengthened my writing ability by understanding lots of English patterns.5 I thought that reading and writing abilities could help a lot in the examination.6

Second, I paid great attention to the lectures of my professors, and I took notes in class, too.7 If I had the question of an artistic work, I would consult my teachers, who always gave me a guidance of thinking.8 I found that it was very important to take a problematic attitude toward learning.9 In one of English literature courses, be- cause I was not sure whether Swift used Gulliver as a character to satirize reason, I asked my professor.10 I was told that Swift objected to speculation, not to reason itself, because the author was in the Age of Reason.11 As a matter of fact, Swift satirized the extremes of theoretical and speculative reasoning.12 After my professor’s explanation, I finally had a further and better understanding of the prose novel Gulliver’s Travels.13 From my own learning experience, I could realize that “he that nothing questioneth nothing learneth.”14

Third, I frequently went to libraries to gather helpful information about English and American literature.15 Although information-gathering was tough and wasted time, I felt delighted when I found out the reference book I needed.16 Critical essays or works about English and American literature was my reference data.17 By carefully reading them, I could view a literary work from various angles to make a more ob- jective conclusion.18 Take Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre for example.19 This novel may be a moral tale because Jane Eyre left Rochester calling her when she was about to consent to be St. John’s wife.20 Moreover, I could grasp the usage of key words in reading criticism.21 For instance, we know that Adam ate the apple because he loved Eve very much.22 By using a key word, I would like to suggest that Adam ate the ap- ple because of his great uxoriousness.23 I believed that I benefited much from reading criticism.24

In brief, the method of my preparation for the English and American literature examination lay largely in the diligent attitude toward reading.25 Although the prepa- ration made me tired sometimes, I enjoyed my reading because I had a strong interest in literature first and last.26 

第一段

第一句描寫考為何投考研究所To pursue further advanced knowledge, I deter- mined to take the graduate school examination when I was a sophomore.。句首「為了追求更多更高深的知識」To pursue further advanced knowledge,…，為中式英文之空話和廢話。本例句也是話說從頭之廢話，為何不直接了當說明喜愛文學之主因。 本例句連用兩次人稱代名詞之主詞I；自此之後，總共使用28次I，如此I之大愛，令人十分悲哀，卻又無可奈何。主詞若呆板，句子早已閹割，看不出活力。為何不點明時間如…when I was a sophomore in 2003.，

第二句描寫按部就班準備考試I prepared for this examination by carrying out my reading plans step by step.，聽來還是一句廢話。要準備考試，當然就是要按部就班，請直接說明要如何準備考試。所謂to read，內含「因興趣而看看」，而to study則為「研究細讀」，因此「讀書計劃」為study plan，而非… reading plans…。不確定之表達，切忌自我拼湊，免得露馬腳，落得四不像。

第三句描寫廣泛閱讀First, I widely read English articles in various respects in order to increase reading and writing abilities.。本文要求點出「如何準備英美文學研究所之入學考試」，請直接具體描寫要準備那些科目，孰輕孰重，如何分配時間等等。考試在即，開始背單字，增強寫作能力，如此描寫，好像已是油瀑熱鍋之際，才忙著剝蔥切菜剁肉，根本來不及大火快炒。

第四句描寫使用英英字典查單字，增加字彙On one hand, I could expand my vocabulary by looking up English-English dictionaries diligently upon meeting a new word in reading articles.，如同上一句，遠水只是救不了近火，目前已累積4句72字，還是不知道要如何準備考試。本例句描寫「在閱讀文章的時候，遇到了新字，就去翻字典」，如同「拿出飯碗，添了飯，拿了筷子，準備吃飯」，需要寫這麼詳細嗎。碰到新單字，當然要查字典，為求學常態，和外文研究所入學考有何關係。請趕快說明要準備那些科目。

第五句描寫了解寫作句型，而增強寫作能力On the other hand, I strengthened my writing ability by understanding lots of English patterns.，本文之寫作程度約略為國外小學三四年級程度，如此描寫，不禁讓人有三分畏懼，如果不是如此「努力」在前，程度何在。外文研究所考試範圍之廣之深，聞之色變，但是文章到此為止，作者還只是在磨菜刀，完全不知道到底要炒什麼菜。

第六句描寫能讀能寫才能考試I thought that reading and writing abilities could help a lot in the examination.。第一段已結束，以其6句101字而言，讓人恍然大悟，原來題目是「如何提升英文能力」，而不是「如何準備外文研究所入學考」。第一段全屬廢話，露出作者詞窮窘境，完全描寫不進去。

第二段

第七句描寫上課認真寫筆記Second, I paid great attention to the lectures of my professors, and I took notes in class, too.。讀者不禁要問：「到底是上什麼文學課程， 小說還是詩歌，散文還是戲劇，現代文學還是古典文學，筆記的內容又是如何」。能不能說得再具體一些。是不是到了第二段，還在磨菜刀。上課寫筆記，就像是查單字練習寫作，可以証明是個好學生，但是還是不知道要如何準備考試。

第八句描寫請教疑難之處If I had the question of an artistic work, I would con- sult my teachers, who always gave me a guidance of thinking.，上一句為…to the lec- tures of my professors,…，到了本例句卻成了…my teachers,…。再以本例句之…an artistic work,…而言，可能是指一幅油畫，一座雕刻，或是一尊塑像，而不太看得出是一份文學作品。為何不明確點出是a sonnet, a morality play, an iambic penta- meter等等，而看出一分專業水準。來到傢俱店，要點明是要買餐桌、沙發、茶儿、腳踏墊、電視座、酒櫃、床組、床頭櫃等等，不能只是嚷嚷「老閭，我要買傢俱」而已。以…, who always gave me a guidance of thinking.而言，以不定冠詞a後接抽象名詞之…guidance…，再接上介系詞片語之…of thinking.，看出賣弄之嫌，並露出畫虎為犬之拙，其沈悶之靜態描寫，大可修改為…, who always inspires to think.之動態描寫。賣弄文筆之忌，切記切記。

第九句描寫求學須存疑I found that it was very important to take a problematic attitude toward learning.。本例句之…a problematic attitude…是指其態度很難處理 (不易了解，引人疑問)，亦即「態度讓人無法接受」，而絕非「每事問」之存疑態度。賣弄惹禍，可添一例。其次，以…it was very important to take a problematic attitude toward learning.而言，因其簡單過去式之故，不禁讓人懷疑「我以前認為求學要存疑，但現在可不這麼想」。若為不變之事實，須以現在簡單式為主，因此本例句不妨改為…it stands first to ask and learn.即可。用大字眼描寫小事情，最引人厭；何妨以小字眼描寫大事情，柔中帶剛。
第十句提出一具體問題In one of English literature courses, because I was not sure whether Swift used Gulliver as a character to satirize reason, I asked my profes- sor.。整整9句155字之後，總算盼出一絲專業態度。一般引用複句，自然以主要子句為重點描寫。再以句首之「某一英文文學科目」In one of English literature courses,…而言，讀者仍然不知道是那一門具體學科。本例句全長25字，主要子句卻只有區區4字「我問我的教授」…, I asked my professor.，其他附屬子句部份佔了八成，不但形成頭重腳輕，而且語意不全，又看出「我手寫我口」之拙劣中式英文。到目前為止，還是看不出來任何具體讀書計劃，卻看到某一問題之細節。如同總算磨好了菜刀，卻不急著先切菜剁肉，而是細切薑絲蔥花，任其油沸鍋熱在旁。

第十一句繼續描寫問題細節I was told that Swift objected to speculation, not to reason itself, because the author was in the Age of Reason.。回頭檢視第十和第十一兩句：In one of English literature courses, because I was not sure whether Swift used Gulliver as a character to satirize reason, I asked my professor. I was told that Swift objected to speculation, not to reason itself, because the author was in the Age of Rea- son.，有極其相同之結構，看來又是一番呆滯其中。

第十二句繼續描寫問題細節As a matter of fact, Swift satirized the extremes of theoretical and speculative reasoning.。

第十三句描寫求問之心得感想After my professor’s explanation, I finally had a further and better understanding of the prose novel Gulliver’s Travels.。自第十句至第十三句，總共4句79字，如移至第一段，用來描寫某一具體研究興趣所在，終於引起投考外文研究所之動機，比起第一段「為了追求更多高深的知識」之陳腔爛調To pursue further advanced knowledge,…，好上千百倍，也更能看出儒子求學心切，可教也。

第十四句描寫先問後學From my own learning experience, I could realize that “he that nothing questioneth nothing learneth.”。本句寫得莫名其妙，看不出如何投考研究所之具體概念。寫作務必講究遣詞用字之均勻層次，落差不宜太大，如能四平八穩，當然最為理想；若高中有低，尚可看出一分親切。若低中有高，卻看出十分虛假，如同本例句。本文至此為此，整體而言，所用單字不超過三千字之基本層次，卻出現文言文之…“he that nothing questioneth nothing learneth.”。乍看之下，如同幼稚園小朋友，搖頭愰腦，子曰如何如何。刻意賣弄之陳腐酸臭，何只啼笑皆非，簡直引人作嘔，若回復原狀之…“he that nothing questions nothing learns.”，反而看出清新。畫虎成犬之忌，再三提醒。

第三段

第十五句描寫上圖書館搜集資料Third, I frequently went to libraries to gather helpful information about English and American literature.。不知道去那些圖書館，又找到什麼期刊，收集什麼具體資料。要投考外文研究所，所以當然要收集和文學有關的資料，所以本例句仍然是一句廢話。描寫之際，當心累贅其中。例如「用手寫字，用水洗衣，唯一的獨生子，在早上吃早餐，我比十年前老」等等。而「收集有用的資料」… gather helpful information…，再添一例。收集資料當然要能用，難道不成還要收集廢料。寫作之遣詞用字，對新手而言，是大挑戰；對老手而言，是大挑戰再加上大大的折磨。以「收集」為例，所謂to gather，則如同「把東西收攏聚集」，比不上to collect 之「有目的之收攏聚集」。

第十六句描寫收集資料之先苦後樂Although information-gathering was tough and wasted time, I felt delighted when I found out the reference book I needed.。上一句才提到…to gather helpful information about English and American literature.，立即又來一次…information-gathering…，形態雖不同，味道全一樣。本例句之「找到所需要的參考書，所以很高興」，所以如果沒找到所需要的參考書，就不高興。似乎是「沒吃飯，肚子餓；吃過飯，所以飽了」，寫是寫了，照一般常態的粗淺道理來看，你我皆知，似乎好像應該也許仍然還是一句廢話。其次，所謂tough之「極其困難」，為俚俗用字，距離第十四句…, I could realize that “he that nothing questioneth nothing learneth.”14之文言用字，相隔僅18字，猶如美女和野獸隔街兩瞪眼。

第十七句描寫需要文學批評的資料Critical essays or works about English and American literature was my reference data.。基本文法之誤，絕不容小覷。本例句之複數主詞為Critical essays or works…，卻接上單數動詞…was…。切勿自以為是，而任意對調使用近義字(synonym)。以information而言，為「資料」之總稱，而本例句之…reference data，則強調「數據資料」，並不適用於本文。

第十八句描寫培養客觀之文學批評By carefully reading them, I could view a literary work from various angles to make a more objective conclusion.。本例句總算是看出一些專業概念。第十九句為文學批評之舉例Take Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre for example.。本例句之…Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre…，有名有姓，才算是最佳之具體舉例。其次，本例句能跳脫for example之固定用法，而改為…take…for an example.，值得模仿。
第二十句描寫某作品之細節This novel may be a moral tale because Jane Eyre left Rochester calling her when she was about to consent to be St. John’s wife.。引用專有名詞如…a moral tale…，最方便具體舉例。可惜本例句之舉例，看來過份細微，不太像是整體之考試準備。

第二十一句描寫引用文學批評之關鍵用字Moreover, I could grasp the usage of key words in reading criticism.。其舉例觀念，仍嫌過份細微，而看不出整體應考準備計劃。

第二十二句再舉一例For instance, we know that Adam ate the apple because he loved Eve very much.。本例句看來有些茫茫然，所提及的…Adam…apple…Eve…， 出自聖經舊約的創世紀，卻沒頭沒腦地蹦出來。

第二十三句為舉例說明By using a key word, I would say that Adam ate the ap- ple because of his uxoriousness.。本例句之舉例說明「亞當吃蘋果，因為愛老婆」，而所謂的…a key word,…，就是…uxoriousness.，整句舉例看來，還是沒頭沒腦的蹦出來。

本文總共26句，而because副詞子句和because of 則使用5次，頻率已稍嫌偏高，最先出現在第十一句之…I was told that Swift objected to speculation, not to reason itself, because the author was in the Age of Reason.11 …，而後4次密集出現自第二十句至二十六句…This novel may be a moral tale because Jane Eyre left Rochester calling her when she was about to consent to be St. John’s wife.20 …For in- stance, we know that Adam ate the apple because he loved Eve very much.22 By using a key word, I would like to suggest that Adam ate the apple because of his great uxo- riousness.23 …Although the preparation made me tired sometimes, I enjoyed my read- ing because I had a strong interest in literature first and last.26。不妨再多唸兩次，就可知其好壞。

第二十四句描寫文評之受益匪淺I believed that I benefited much from reading criticism.。由第十八句起至第二十二句止，依稀可看出「文評之客觀看法」，例如Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre是…a moral tale…，因為…because Jane Eyre left Rochester calling her when she was about to consent to be St. John’s wife.；而後文評能幫助「抓住關鍵用字」，例如「亞當吃蘋果，因為愛老婆」…Adam ate the apple because he loved Eve very much.22 By using a key word, I would like to suggest that Adam ate the apple because of his great uxoriousness.23。舉例不知所云，最後感覺居然「受益匪淺」…I benefited much…，只能說匪夷所思而已。

本文第一二兩段，要「多多閱讀，多查單字」，猶如在外太空漫步，但是第三段，所以「能有客觀看法，又能抓住關鍵字」，似乎又深入地底核心。落差太大，把讀者留在地球表面上，瞠目結舌，不知如何是好。第一二兩段，寫不進去；而第三段，卻又寫不出來。如此描寫，不禁引人深疑，作者是否知道寫作要先打草稿。文章發展至此，如同房屋仲介商帶著客戶看房子，先是繞前院後院，而後打開大門，客廳餐廳主臥室浴室，全都不看，也不上樓看陽台，就直闖一樓廚房，仔細介紹洗碗機和洗碗槽。然後帶出客戶，最後客戶覺得「受益匪淺」，明天準備簽約。可能嗎？

第四段

第二十五句描寫結論In brief, the method of my preparation for the English and American literature examination lay largely in the diligent attitude toward reading.。其中之「準備的方法」…, the method of my preparation…和「勤勉的態度」…in the diligent attitude...，是非常字正腔圓的中式英文，可教導外人學習中文。大可省略修改如下…, my preparation for the English and American literature examination lays largely in my diligent study.。

第二十六句描寫結論Although the preparation made me tired sometimes, I en- joyed my reading because I had a strong interest in literature first and last.。一句23字，卻是…me…, I…my…I…，似乎一再要提醒讀者注意是「我」要準備考試，不得或忘。婆婆媽媽，溢於言表。上一句才剛剛看到…my preparation for…toward reading.之關鍵用字，本例句立即實況轉播… the preparation made me tired…my reading…。再表現一次婆婆媽媽的描寫功力。句尾之…first and last.，描寫「自始至終，完完全全」，可算是婆婆媽媽的臨去秋波，值得學習的好片語。

本「範文」全長4段26句446字，全篇洋洋灑灑，聲勢浩大，卻只是湊字數唬人而已，不論遣詞用字，或是修辭造句，或是整體寫作思維，只見一片摧枯拉朽。本「範文」適合捐大體解剖，遺愛人間。請再參考下列數篇，以知警惕：

(1)  The Importance of Environmental Protection

There are two reasons, why, I think, we should protect our environment. On the one hand, the flora and fauna in nature have been our source of not only food but also medicine. And, on the other hand, if we pollute our environment, we are also polluting ourselves with the food we eat, the water we drink and the air we breathe.

We need only a little far-sightedness to see why we need to protect our environ- ment. This is not only for the previous generations to come out but also for our own and future generations.

短文一篇，總共97字，但是I, we, our, ourselves就佔了15字，超過六分之一。其次，沒有具體舉例，沒有時間觀念，沒有具體數字，當然也沒有地方觀念。本短文平均用字層次，平均身高不超過150公分，但是請問…flora and fauna…何意。第一句之文法結構There are two reasons, why, I think, we should protect our environment.，是否有問題。至於所謂的「遠見」…far-sightedness…能確定嗎，是不是能以「願景」之vision來代替，會更好一些。難道每次都要用On (the) one hand,…on the other hand,…，才可以連接前後兩句嗎。

 (2)  The Effective Ways of Learning English

How to learn English effectively, in my opinion, is as follows:

First of all, you must be interested in English. Only when you take an interest in English can you learn it well. Thus, to cultivate a strong interest in English is most important. 

Second, it is necessary to absorb much knowledge of English very extensively. To watch many TV English programs are useful ways to learn English. You can have a good command of English if you keep learning English in many respects.

Third, practice what you have learned in English. You can share your experience of learning English with your friends. Try to converse in English with friends. And participate in as many as activities about English as you can. Only by using English often can you really know how to express yourself in English. As the saying goes, “Practice makes perfect.”

There is no royal road to learning. Only by persistently hard work can you learn English well. That is to say, there is only one way you can’t learn English well—if you don’t learn it.

既然題目是The Effective Ways of Learning English，是不是就有理由，可以光明正大地連用17次English，是否別無他法。順便算算看有多少個you, your, yourself，不多不少，總共20次。本文181字，只是「你的英文」your English就佔了37字，約有五分之一左右。本文無時間觀念，無數字觀念，無地方觀念，也無比喻用法。本句To watch many TV English programs are useful ways to learn English.之文法結構對不對，而Only by persistently hard work can you learn English well.，是不是也該檢查文法結構。非得需要身高170公分的to cultivate才能「培養」興趣嗎，能不能換個個150公分的to keep就可以了呢。句首Only + 介系詞片語或副詞子句 + 助動詞 + 主詞 + 動詞，為強調用法。本文只有理論描寫，極其簡單，並無任何特色，為什麼需要連用三次句首Only之強調用法。短文一篇，卻引用兩次格言如As the saying goes, “Practice makes perfect.”…There is no royal road to learning.，需要如此說教嗎。

(3)  The Importance of Telephones in Modern Life

If we witness a man seriously hurt in a traffic accident, what should we do?1 Call the police at once to come and help.2 Imagine what would have become of the man if we had no telephone at that time.3 We would have failed to call in an ambulance im- mediately so as to have delayed sending the man to hospital.4 And such a delay might have caused his death.5 From this case, we have no difficulty in realizing the impor- tance of telephones.6

In fact, telephones play an important role in modern life because of their conven- ience of communication.7 Through telephones, we may deliver our messages to our friends on the distant side of the world.8 It is much more convenient and efficient to communicate with our friends on the phone than by letter.9 Above all, in business, telephones may also save merchants a lot of time and trouble;10 they can telephone their partners to talk about business at any time if necessary.11 For instance, when placing an order for some article, businessmen can just telephone to their partners rather write to them.12

Thanks to telephones, many urgent messages can be transmitted in a little time.13 Besides, whenever we would like to talk with our families and friends, we just call them.14 Telephones are indeed the very useful communication medium in modern life.15 If you lived outside for study or work and you missed your parents very much, how about calling them right now?16

本文3段16句247字，其中we, our出現12次，至於關鍵字之telephone(s)，包含其動詞用法之to telephone，共出現9次，兩者合計21次，不到全文十分之一，總算看起來舒服多了。文章描寫若為了避免單調，首重主詞和動詞之變化，以本文而言，如計算主要子句和附屬子句之主詞，以及命令句之隱藏主詞，總共有20個主詞。現在看看其主詞之變化如何：
If
we s1 witness a man seriously hurt in a traffic accident, what should
we s2 do?1
(You) s3 Call the police at once to come and help.2
(You) s4 Imagine
what s5 would have become of the man if
we s6had no telephone at that time.3
We s7would have failed to call in an ambulance…hospital.4 And
such a delay s8 might have caused his death.5 From this case,
we s9have no difficulty in realizing the importance of telephones.6

In fact,
telephones s10 play an important role in…communication.7 Through telephones,
we s11may deliverour messages to ourfriends on the distant side of the world.8
It s12 is much more…than by letter.9 Above all, in business,
telephones s13 may also save merchants a lot of time and trouble; 10
they s14 can telephone…necessary.11 For instance, when placing an…article,
businessmen s15 can just telephone to their partners rather write to them.12

Thanks to telephones,
many urgent messages s16 can be transmitted in a little time.13 Besides, whenever
we s17would like to talk withourfamilies and friends,
we s18just call them.14
Telephones s19 are indeed the very useful communication medium…life.15 If
you s20 lived outside for study or work and
you s21 missed your parents very much, how about calling them right now?16

結果如下，除了…such a delay s7… businessmen s15…many urgent messages s16之主詞，以一般名詞為主，僅佔七分之一，其餘18個主詞，皆引用代名詞we, you, what, it等等，或是關鍵名詞telephone(s)，換言之，本文之主詞變化，仍需努力。至於動詞，本文總共使用如下，可看出豐富：

…witness…hurt…should we do? Call…to come and help. Imagine…would have become of…had…would have failed to call…to have delayed sending…might have caused…have…realizing …play…may deliver…is…to communicate…may also save…can telephone…to talk about…placing…can just telephone…write…can be transmitted…would like to talk with…call them…are indeed…lived…missed…calling…
至於本文需要改進之處，則是需要加強事實描寫，換言之，本文仍屬理論描寫，而無舉例說明，無比喻描寫，無時間觀念，無數字觀念，也無空間觀念。以第一段為例，不妨改寫如下：

Last night around 8:30, a car crash happened in the interaction of Walker Drive and Sperling Street on my way home. It must have been somebody who gave a phone call at the very moment. And within five minutes, an ambulance with piercing siren came to the spot, taking the wounded to the nearest hospital before he could possibly bleed to death. Without telephone, ten more minutes later would make the ambulance turn to mortuary instead of emergency room. 

昨天晚上約略是八點半左右，我回家的路上，在沃克街和司伯林街的十字路口，發生了車禍。就在那一刻，一定有人撥了電話，所以救護車不到五分鐘就來到現場，警笛聲非常刺耳；而後傷患給送到就近的醫院，否則傷患可能流血至死。如果沒有電話，晚個十分鐘左右，傷患可能就回天乏術了。

改寫之後，事實之「車禍」…car crash…，分別以定點時間之Last night around 8:30,…，具體地點之…in the interaction of Walker Drive and Sperling Street…，時間長短之…within five minutes,…, ten more minutes later…；此外，並以傷勢之「流血至死」…bleed to death.，以「太平間」…mortuary...暗示「死亡」；以「急診室」… emergency room.暗示「一息尚存」。整場車禍意外，自然明確如圖示一般。

本文第一段大量引用和過去事實相反之假設語態。但是Imagine what would have become of the man if we had no telephone at that time.3有誤，應該改為…if we had had no telephone at that time.。最後一句之If you lived outside for study or work and you missed your parents very much, how about calling them right now?16，也有文法之誤。句尾之…, how about calling them right now?，只是名詞片語而已，並非主要子句，因而只剩下句首附屬子句If you lived outside for study or work and you missed your parents very much,…，此為嚴重之基本文法錯誤。應修正如下：If you lived outside for study or work and you missed your parents very much, why don’t you call them right now?。

初學寫作，最常引用理論描寫，絕少使用專有名詞之人事時地物，點出具體內涵，因此筆下之文，總覺得似乎就是隔靴搔癢，而說不進去。本文如果和前二文例 (1) The Importance of Environmental Protection，以及 (2) The Effective Ways of Learning English相比，雖然好上許多，但仍然偏向理論描寫，而少了細節描寫。以第二段為例：

In fact, telephones play an important role in modern life because of their conven- ience of communication.7 Through telephones, we may deliverour messages to our friends on the distant side of the world.8 It is much more convenient and ef- ficient to communicate with ourfriends on the phone than by letter.9 Above all, in business, telephones may also save merchants a lot of time and trouble;10 they can telephone their partners to talk about business at any time if necessary.11 For instance, when placing an order for some article, businessmen can just telephone to their partners rather write to them.12

以…messages…而言，到底是什麼具體的message，是I love you.，還是I am sorry.，或是I can’t wait to see you.。至於「遠方的朋友」…our friends on the distant side of the world….，到底是Jack in Tokyo，還是Steve in Pairs，或是Uncle Charlie in Hawaii.。不能具體掌握之字，勿輕易使用。以「商人」而言，以businessmen即綽綽有餘，何須用上「大商人，商賈」…merchants…之大字眼。用字不當，最容易招惹賣弄之嫌，豈可不慎。再以本段最後一句For instance, when placing an order for some article, businessmen can just telephone to their partners rather write to them.12，到底「某樣東西」之…some article,…(應為some item)，到底又是什麼東西，是sneakers (球鞋), tire (輪胎), pyjamas (睡衣)，還是g-string (丁字褲)。為何不再明示一番呢。例句如I like to do what I want to do.，可稱之為經典名句之廢話一句之一句廢話。

上述數篇「範文」，已如前言，最適合拿來修改練習之用，如同射擊練習用的槍靶，絕非可模仿之模範生。至於自修作文之際，如何看出他山之石，而攻己之錯，進而增強實力，寫出心得，只能說It takes a book to tell. (說來話長)。李傑老師願盡棉薄之力，邀同學攸遊文海之中。

作文不是數學，如何硬套公式寫作
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